Resilience Coach Jessica Renfeldt On 5 Things You Need To Heal After A Dramatic Loss Or Life Change
Gratitude is the foundation for a life of positivity, joy, and resilience. Having a grateful heart attracts positive things to come into your life
The world seems to be reeling from one crisis to another. We’ve experienced a global pandemic, economic uncertainty, political and social turmoil. Then there are personal traumas that people are dealing with, such as the loss of a loved one, health issues, unemployment, divorce or the loss of a job. Coping with change can be traumatic as it often affects every part of our lives.
How do you deal with loss or change in your life? What coping strategies can you use? Do you ignore them and just push through, or do you use specific techniques? In this series called “5 Things You Need To Heal After a Dramatic Loss Or Life Change” we are interviewing successful people who were able to heal after a difficult life change such as the loss of a loved one, loss of a job, or other personal hardships. We are also talking to Wellness experts, Therapists, and Mental Health Professionals who can share lessons from their experience and research.
As a part of this interview series, I had the pleasure of interviewing Jessica Renfeldt.
Jessica Renfeldt is a heart-centered Resilience Coach, Motivational Speaker and Published Author who uses her own strengths, strategies, and skills uncovered during her fight with cancer, surviving a massive stroke, and ultimately, a heart transplant and in the most recent year the death of her daughter’s father and her mother — to help others cope with loss and grief — however that might show up in their life.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we start, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your childhood backstory?
I am a country girl and heart, the daughter of multiple- generations of farmers who were able to nurture the bioavailability of the soil into a successfully producing alfalfa farm. In the summers I ran through 40 acres of fields, surrounding our house, ran across tops of haystacks, swam in irrigation ditches, and rode my 10-speed bike along gravel roads to visit my best friend where I’d often get to feed baby calves with bottles, drink fresh milk and eat fresh bread that her mom baked every day to feed her family of 6.
At 12, my father decided that farming wasn’t for him and instead he joined forces with my mom’s side of the family, all elevator mechanics by trade, and moved our naïve Mormon family of 5 to Las Vegas, NV to chase the boom that was occurring during the mid-to-late 80’s. Growing up in a small farming community, I hadn’t experienced ethnic or religious diversity, which I absolutely loved. I made good friends here that would last a lifetime, but the boom ultimately fizzled out and by 1991 we were moving to the high desert of California, Hesperia to be exact. I ultimately finished out my last 3 years of high school here and was introduced to even more diversity with the high population of Hispanic residents. The Mormon church was also much different than I’d grown up with — much more welcoming and forgiving of imperfections.
In my senior year of high school, I married Allen, who I was married to for 27 years before our separation, and we had 3 amazing children. Right after our marriage, we moved to Utah where we raised our family.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
I truly have far too many to have just one, but right now I’m really into manifesting so this one by Bob Proctor “Thoughts become things, if you see it in your mind, then you will hold it in your hand”. Looking back on my health adversity journey, I have figured out that I was manifesting this beautiful life that I am vivaciously living now.
You have been blessed with much success. In your opinion, what are the top three qualities that you possess that have helped you accomplish so much? If you can, please share a story or example for each.
1. Gratitude: In a world where wealth and success are waved in front of us daily, through social media and television, I see so many get caught up in jealousy, or the “I wish I…” mentality instead of focusing on things in their own life to be grateful for. Yet being stuck I this mindset puts you in a place of scarcity, which keeps you from receiving all that is meant for you.
2. Positivity: I had some co-workers nickname me “Disney” to give you an idea how positive I am. I’ve always had the ability to try and find positive in all things — and encouraged the same for others. My grandma Turner was like this. I never heard her speak bad-will toward anyone, always was kind, and she is the person I’ve loved and admired the most in my life. I lost her in February of 1995, but I often hope she can see the person I’ve become and is proud of her.
3. Resilience: Resilience isn’t about having a hard exterior, but instead being flexible. I love this saying, which I’ve heard spoken many different ways, but this is how I recall it for use in my own life. “Bamboo that bends is stronger than the oak tree that resists”. Life is about getting knocked around a lot. There is no way any of us will get out of here without experiencing some sort of hardship. The secret is getting back up, after being knocked down, always.
Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion about ‘Healing after Loss’. Do you feel comfortable sharing with our readers about your dramatic loss or life change?
Oh goodness, I’ve experienced the gamut when it comes to loss and continuing to heal from it. In my early years it was loss of my pet pig, Susie the sow, and my favorite uncle, me at age 10 and him at 28-years-old. But for sake of this article, I’d like to share some of the things me and my family have been through in the last 8 years. In 2016, I was diagnosed with a terminal illness called Cardiac AL Amyloidosis, which is very similar to multiple myeloma in how it attacks the bone marrow, but also attacks major organs, like my heart for example. I went through a stem cell transplant and 10 months of outpatient chemo in an attempt to rid myself of the cancer in my body. After thinking I’d made it through that, I was hit with a severe stroke in 2020, where the neurologists couldn’t say whether I’d Walk again 24 hours after the event (spoiler alert — I got up and walked. I mean, I was dragging my left foot along for the ride, but no way was I not walking again), and that ultimately lead me to receive a heart transplant in 2021.
What was the scariest part of that event? What did you think was the worst thing that could happen to you?
The scariest part of all of it was the unknown. What was this disease, what did it mean for me, how is it treated, what is the success rate of treatment, what is the mortality rate, etc. The scariest part was that I could definitely die — come to find out, the mortality rate was really high and agreeing to the stem-cell transplant, while it could save me, also increased my mortality rate.
How did you react in the short term?
I armed myself with as much information as I could get my hands on, ultimately avoiding google at the recommendation of my medical teams, by asking mounds and mounds of questions that I had around my diseases and what I could control (think eating, sleeping, exercise, lowering stress) to make it to the other side and then I quickly implemented a gratitude practice. I became keenly aware of all the blessings in my life every day, and I made sure I wrote them out loud, but I also spoke to them out loud to the people I loved. I didn’t want to miss any opportunity to let people know what was in my heart.
After the dust settled, what coping mechanisms did you use?
I used so many different coping mechanisms, but here are a list of 10 that I lives religiously; gratitude journaling, random acts of kindness, getting enough sleep, compassionate self-talk, connecting with nature, forgiveness, creative expression, connection with loved-ones, mindful eating, and protect my peace.
Can you share with us how you were eventually able to heal and “let go” of the negative aspects of that event?
This is going to be extremely difficult to understand for most people reading this article today, but I am 100% grateful that I’ve been through everything I have. Before my health adversities, I felt like I was just on auto-pilot day in and day out. Going to work, trying to make as much money as I could — never asking myself if I was happy. Eating food and not enjoying the flavor. Taking for granted all of the beauty around me and not allowing myself to be vulnerable to truly connect with others. Now, life is filled with so many blessings, so much beauty in color, scents, flavors, and relationships. I live a beautiful life full of joy, curiosity, adventure, and a craving for so much more of what life offers.
In my own grief journey, I found writing to be cathartic. Did you engage in any writing during that time, such as journaling, poetry, or writing letters? If yes, we’d love to hear about any stories or examples.
Yes, writing was extremely cathartic to me. During my cancer treatment, I quickly realized how big of a task it was to get back to people about updates, so I created a Facebook page/blog where I provided updates through writing and videos to share with friends and loved ones. This continued up through my heart transplant and beyond and gave me the realization about how much I love to write and gave me the idea of writing a book. Once I put that out into the universe, things started falling in place and She Rises Studios is publishing my book, “Dancing in the Shower; Cultivating Radical Resilience to Live the Life You Love”, making its way to shelves in September 2024. The book is a memoir that spans some early childhood stories, through my health trial and into the present and how I not only lived through it but thrived in life after it.
Aside from letting go, what did you do to create an internal, emotional shift to feel better?
From the beginning, I told myself that I was not going to play the victim in my circumstance; instead, I would be that miracle you read about. This goes back to gratitude — having a gratitude mindset attracts so much positive in your life, including joy, laughter, curiosity, adventure, love, friendship and yes…miracles.
Is there a particular person who you are grateful towards who helped get you to cope and heal? Can you share a story about that?
My three daughters are the true warriors in this story. I can’t even imagine how their little hearts must have felt about possibly losing their mom, but they did the very best they could to be supportive of both me and their father during this time by continuing to go to school, cook their own meals, keeping a clean house and being positive. Keep in mind that they were only 19, 16, and 11 at the time, but being such miraculous individuals gave me something to fight really hard for and also provided me with a healing environment to do it in.
Were you able to eventually reframe the consequences and turn it into a positive situation? Can you explain how you did that?
Please see the response around gratitude for health crisis above.
What did you learn about yourself from this very difficult experience? Can you please explain with a story or example?
Being completely vulnerable here, but I suffered for low self-worth leading into this journey. I had 3 beautiful daughters, a cozy home and a successful career, but I never felt truly self-confident until fighting this battle. Now, I feel like whatever I put my mind to is possible, whether that be backpacking with a 35-pound back on my back, speaking in front of a large crowd, writing a book, or helping people through my resilience coaching. I know that I am here for a purpose and am confident that I bring joy and happiness to people’s lives.
Fantastic. Here is the main question of our interview. Based on your experiences and knowledge, what advice would you give others to help them get through a difficult life challenge? What are your “5 Things You Need to Heal After a Dramatic Loss Or Life Change? Please share a story or example for each.
1. Gratitude: Gratitude is the foundation for a life of positivity, joy, and resilience. Having a grateful heart attracts positive things to come into your life.
2. Only control what you can and let go of the rest. The unknown is scary — I know this for certain. So do what you can to gain enough knowledge so that you know everything that you possibly can, and then say “##ck-it!” to the rest. Trying to control the outcome of your loss will only serve to drive you crazy and drain energy that you are going to need to heal.
3. Discover curiosity and adventure again. Yes. Yes. Yes. Look for things that you always wanted to try, or do, and never did. For me, it was fly-fishing, hiking, backpacking, quilting, gardening and water coloring. You may not love all of it, but you will definitely find something you fall in love with — for me, this is anything related to being outside. Things that bring you joy can create unlimited resilience.
4. Nurture Self-Worth: You belong here and here for a reason. You deserve to put healthy delicious foods in your mouth, to get that spa treatment, to move your body, to do the things you love. Just like they tell us on the airplane, put your own air mask on first before helping others put theirs on. You are going to need to prioritize, nurture, be patient and love yourself to get through difficult times.
5. Community: Many associate community with church, but community can also come in the medical staff who heal you, friends who laugh with you, others who are fighting a similar fight and Qigong and Yoga instructors who lead you in both mind and body healing modalities. In addition, for me, blogging on Facebook about my experience and seeing everyone’s support really did help me get through particularly difficult days. There is just something about knowing you are not alone and that others are fighting right along with you that is incredibly healing and full of positive energy.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most good to the most people, what would that be?
It is quite simple, really. I believe that if everyone practiced gratitude in their daily lives, they would shift their mindset and become more empathetic, joyful, and resilient human beings, which would spread to those around them. I imagine this world, and it brings both chills to my spine and tears to my eyes.
We are very blessed that some very prominent names in Business, VC funding, Sports, and Entertainment read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them. :-).
I know that this is the ultimate wish when it comes to getting a private audience and I feel undeserving even putting this out in the universe, but I would have to say Oprah. I was brought up in the Oprah generation. My mom would watch quite a bit when I still lived at home, but when I went out on my own, she continued to be turned on in my living room if I wasn’t at work. Oprah brought to the world a more heart-centered view, in my opinion, than anyone before her. It is her spirit of kindness and sharing that brought so many stories of hope, subject matter experts, and miracles to her stage that has made me, like many others, believe there is so much more beauty in this world that we can come together to unlock. It is because of this heart-centered leadership that Oprah has that I am now able to pursue my dream of helping people live a life they love.
How can our readers further follow your work online?
https://www.instagram.com/jrenfeldt/
https://mailchi.mp/c13ab7758193/unlimited-resilience
https://www.linkedin.com/in/jessica-renfeldt-23476125/
https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61557383218279
Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!